


Loving you keeps me alive

by Hedone4forgotten



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Auror Draco Malfoy, Auror Harry Potter, Auror Pansy Parkinson, Auror Partners, Auror Ron Weasley, Depression, Draco Malfoy Needs a Hug, Harry Potter Needs a Hug, Harry Potter Sings, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magically Powerful Harry Potter, Nightmares, Soulmates, and Draco happens to heard them, for teddy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:08:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28781739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hedone4forgotten/pseuds/Hedone4forgotten
Summary: Harry Potter is now working as an auror, but still, life seems meaningless. Nights of endless nightmares, grief for loved ones who left him, guilt toward deaths that he failed to save. Harry tried to forget everything, by totally absorbed in cases. It's not that he didn't try, but being always partnered with either admirer or free-rider makes his days far worse. When he said goodbye to the first and only nice auror partner he'd met, Harry wanted to just die in field that day-untill Hermione's patronus flew in. Now given last reason to live, Harry used his full magical strength-the very power he'd been concealing-to go to his godson quickly. However, even with Teddy, Harry just don't feel happy enough-knowing his soulmate rejected and lied to him.But then highly dangerous case appeared and bringing back Harry Potter again, who was on paternity leave for Teddy.Now, Harry has to deal with the case, ex-auror partner Draco Malfoy, and his own temptation to give up everything.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley - Relationship
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

Harry felt as if he were back in that day, inside fucking dark, wet cave. This so-called neo-Death Eater was quite difficult pain in the arse compared to those who he had been to deal with-preparing almost thousands of inferius for trap. They will be able to enter that safehouse of death eater only after crossing this lake, full of corpses. Of course, there are already wards around here, banning Apparition and Floo kind of thing. However, Harry assumed that death eater is trying to put some more irritating curses and his own wards to keep aurors out.

Well, for now all these thoughts are useless already.

He already finished protecting charm to stop inferius breaking away-plus, effectively kicking other aurors outside. There was faint voices behind, hammering through the shield, but Harry did not listen because this was his best choice-to trap inferius within the shield with himself. The shield would be useless without him to keep shield stable and intact, considering death eater inside that safehouse watch for a chance. So now, his only duty is buying time for other aurors to come back with nice, safe plan to remove inferius. And if Harrry dies during that-well, that was a nice option also. If he uses _Incendio_ in the right time, that would be enough, to prevent him being inferi. Harry tangled his wand around, with the lightest heart than any other moment.

Already five year passed after the War, but Harry never escaped from the center of that very War. Everyone was leading their own lives toward the future, however, he just knew that he would not make any further. He imagined that after the life which only obsessed with fighting Voldmort ends, there would be a whole new world in front of him. The next day of battle in Hogwarts, however, he knew something gone wrong when he awake that morning. _He cannot look forward anything anymore._

It was not like that he didn't try. He’d lost lots of people, but there were still loved ones, and he did not want to let them down. But tones of last moments of people who Harry failed to save, always tortured him. To add to his miseries, press didn’t let go of him for just one second, which was another torture for Harry Potter’s fucked up mind. So he just threw himself in most familiar career-fighting evil. Harry Potter became an auror.

Now, even that daily life of fighting wizards calling themselves Death eater, seemed quite meaningless. No one knew, but in fact, Harry had never done his best in dueling those psychopaths. Although it seems that Expelliarmus has become a characteristic of him, Harry was a disciple of Dumbledore and of course witnessed Dumbledore dueling Voldmort and some Death Eaters _\- if one could call that one-sided oppression a battle_. Plus, he eagerly learned the dark art defense himself to survive. Those vivid memories made Harry an overly good textbook. With five years of experience in the field combined, there wouldn't be many wizards that would pose a real threat to Harry Potter at this point. Knowing the fact too well, Harry did not show all his strength on the case.

Because tensions and temporary excitement from the duel was like a kind of drug to him, and he could not feel that without constraining his own, overly powerful magic. No partners were needed. Naturally, bosses tried to force Harry into a partner to come, but they couldn't help it because Harry's partners repeatedly done shitty things-worshiping Harry to the point of disrupting their case, expecting he’d do everything and doing nothing on their own, or sold his daily lives to _the Prophet_ , like where he went last Saturday.

And his _once_ perfect partner for the last two years - no, he didn't have to be thinking about it now. At least now, Harry is glad he doesn't have a partner - the fewer people will be hurt, the better-if he dies today.

Inferius, who had stumbled and failed to find a target because of the explosions and shield charm that were first cast by other aurors, were now slowly gathering toward him.

It was then that the brilliant otter patronus flew in.

_Hermione, for Godric’s sake._

Herminone’s clear voice was stuck in his ear, when he was about to turn away.

[Harry, Andromeda died. Teddy is so nervous. He keeps crying and looking for you. I'm so sorry, I know you're still at work, but please, please do come as soon as possible. He pushed Molly away, and keep crying, hiding in the closet.]

Harry realized at that moment, that he could not die today. The only person who could give little Teddy, his own godson, the closest thing to his family was now Harry Potter.

Harry straightened his wand and raised it upward. As the firm goal settled in his heart, the next step was surprisingly clear. Upon accepting its master's will, the phoenix wand immediately began to release a huge whirl of flame. Inferius fled toward the lake, but instead of dying down by water, the flames persistently pursued inferius, filling up the whole barrier which was gradually fading. Harry recalled Dumbledore, who had been half-unconscious due to the damn potion, but still created a magnificent flame to save him. Then he thought of Sirius, who escaped from Azkaban only to came and save him.

Although he knew he was far short of them, Harry now had to go to save little Teddy from his terrible grief.

Harry ran toward the safehouse, leaving behind the buzzing sounds of the aurors shocked by the huge fire that was revealed after the barrier was lifted. He didn't intend to tear down all the damn defensive curses to go in. He was not even in the spirit to control his own magic delicately. Harry just flicked his wand. A huge white flame hit the house, and the house seemed to resist for a few seconds, but eventually broke into pieces under Harry's power pushing through. At the same time, the target of today fall through the debris, only to be hit by Harry’s neat _Stupefy._

It took less than five minutes for Harry to leave, leaving the destroyed safe house, the remains of the Inferius, and the fainted criminal behind to his astonished colleagues.

***

The door broke open. Mrs. Weasley and Hermione, who were nervously looking at the door, jumped to their feet. Harry Potter, breathing heavily, stood by the door. He almost arrived as soon as Hermione sent the message.

"Mrs. Weasley, Hermione. Where is Teddy now?"

Mrs. Weasley hurriedly led Harry to the closet in the corner of the first floor.

"In the closet over there...I'm sorry, Harry. He kept looking for you, and I've told him that you’re on an auror mission. I think Teddy got more scared by that part.”

"Now that I'm here, I hope he’ll be okay. Just leave Teddy to me. What about... Andromeda's funeral?”

"We're gonna have to take the charge...Andromeda has only Teddy left in the family.”

"No. she had a nephew-Draco Malfoy, obviously.”

"That's true, but...He may not be able to host the funeral alone. Of course I'll call it at the funeral, but I think it's better for us to prepare."

"Okay, Mrs. Weasley. I'll take Teddy out.”

Mrs. Weasley nodded and turned around. A faint crying sound from the closet and wrecked Harry's heart. Harry knelt down in front of the closet and whispered to Teddy.

"Teddy, I'm so sorry I'm late. It's okay now. Can I open the door, please? Come on, come out and give your godfather a big hug."

Fortunately, the response was quick. The door burst open and the little child showed a tear-soaked face.

"Harry..."

Harry opened his arms and held the little child tightly in his arms without a word. He felt little boy touching his body.

"You're not hurt, are you?"

"Of course, Teddy. I’m fine. Everything’s okay."

Harry breathed a sigh of relief, burying his cheek in the hair of a child which now turned into the same color with him. It was fortunate that he had used the Cleaning charm in advance. Now Teddy won't be able to smell the acrid smell of the scene. Tears that the relieved child began to shed silently again soaked Harry's black shirt. He slowly patted the small back and whispered.

"It's all right, Teddy. If you want to cry, you can cry as much as you want. I'm right here to hold you.”

Harry remained there for a long time, hugging Teddy, who finally began to cry out. Remembering Remus Lupin, who supported him firmly when he was sobbing in front of Sirius’s death.

His tears did not flow outside, as did Teddy, and they flowed quietly inside. It wasn't the kind of thing he could show Teddy. His layers of grief will be too heavy for a little boy who is facing the tragedy of realizing the death of a loved one for the first time.

***

Andromeda's funeral was held quietly in the garden of her and Teddy's house.

It was because neither the Weasley family nor Harry had any intention of letting others in for the funeral, except for people from the order of phoenix. As reporters kept snooping even though he made this-no press invited-clear, Harry eventually decided to use the Fidelius charm to protect the funeral home.

Thanks to charm, all the people who came to the funeral hall wanted to truly pay their respects. Harry, dressed in a formal black robe, stood by Teddy and greeted the mourners. In the end, Teddy burst into tears again and had to leave the coffin to hold the child and soothe him.

Harry looked up at the clear sky with his crying Teddy in his arms. It is so ironic that it is not rain but sunshine that falls on the deep sorrow. He carefully wiped away the child's tears again.

"Harry, Harry... you're not going anywhere without me?"

"Of course, dear. I'll never leave you alone. I will always come back to you, and wherever you go, you will have a place to come back to me.”

And Harry, who was going back to the funeral with a kid’s whimper of dying tremors, faced a man he had been trying hard to forget.

"Harry-"

In the sun, the platinum blonde of Draco Malfoy sparkled. This means that it was a scene that he couldn't ignore. Harry nodded his head with a stiff face and left. It's not that he couldn't feel the gaze in the back of his head, but...

There was no urgent matter that he had to talk with his _ex-partner_ on the day of the funeral. Furthermore, Draco - no. Harry consciously cut off the flow of thought and moved on.

"Potter!"

" _...Keep your fucking voice down._ He's asleep. Besides, you’re at the funeral now."

"I-I'm sorry about that. But... did I make a mistake? Why are you suddenly quitting my auror partner?”

"You knew I didn't want a partner from the very beginning. That's all. And well, I’m impressed, Malfoy. I thought you were the one who felt uncomfortable about the partnership."

"But-"

"We will not talk about this anymore. I'll have to submit a paternity leave anyway, so you'd better accept the new partner assignment.”

"Leaves of work, how much? No, that's not the point - I can wait.”

"The most important thing to me now is Teddy. I'm thinking of taking at least a year off and staying with him, so look for a new partner now. Don't waste a year with temporary partners."

Harry felt the inside of his left wrist, hidden by the _glamour_ , was burning. The very spot where his soul mark appeared year ago.

Their-no, _his_ soul mark, a wand with sparkling flames and a golden snitch hovering around it.

-And Harry’s soulmate dumped the photo of his soulmark which the Prophet gone mad with, pretend not to know about their destiny. Harry Potter, _the world’s biggest fool,_ didn’t realize anything but his own feeling until the day he found that fucking piece of photo crumpled under the case file cabinet of _Malfoy_.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry flew his eyes open at the sound of a scream. The small child's body, lying beside him, was trembling. He woke up in an instant, and quickly wrapped the child in his arms.

"Shh, Teddy. Wake up, it's just a dream.”

Harry looked into the blurry eyes of Teddy and created a friendly smile. He hoped he wouldn't suffer from nightmares like this. How can the world be so cruel to him?

"H-Harry..."

"It's all right, darling. I'm here. Nothing can harm you.”

Harry hugged the trembling child closer to his chest. In the afternoon, he sent an owl to Penelope, who works as a mind healer, because he was worried that the child might show anxiety-if worse, an attack. She said listening to a guardian's heart when the child wakes up from a nightmare is not a bad-as a temporary measure. Harry hoped that his heart would be beating silently and firmly-that Teddy would not be told of his surprise and pain.

"I miss my grandmother...Harry, can you sing me a song?"

"Song?"

"On the day I had nightmares, my grandmother sang me a songs..."

Harry was relieved that his face would not be seen in the child's eyes. It's a lullaby. A lullaby. He'd never heard of it. But He could sing a song-Of course not Celestina Wabek. Muggle pop would be much better than those. Harry closed his eyes and picked out the song with the most affectionate lyrics among them.

"How long will I love you? As long as stars are above you, and longer if I can.

How long will I need you? As long as the seasons need to follow their plan.

How long will I be with you? As long as the sea is bound to wash upon the sand.

How long will I want you? As long as you want me to, and longer by far.

How long wil I hold you? As long as your father told you, as long as you can.

How long will I give to you? As long as I live through you, however long you say."

Singing for the eternity he promises Teddy, he thinks of Sirius, Lupin, and Dumbledore. The people who thought they would be together forever, but left him too soon. He also thinks about his parents. With them, Harry can draw eternity only in his dreams.

And Harry think about a man who has rejected his fate forever.

***

And at that time, Draco Malfoy was dragged to a bar by someone else. The situation was very unpleasant, but alcohol did nothing wrong, so Draco drank the beer in front of him anyway.

"Where the hell did you bring me, Pancy?"

"A place to clear your mind of useless complexity?"

_"Pancy."_

"Okay, okay. This is a muggle pub. And..."

Pansy, smiling, leaned forward and whispered.

"Harry Potter is one of their regulars here."

Malfoy choked on his beer.

"H-how do you know that?!"

"Well, some _idiot_ was just doing stupid things, so I did some research. I have a wide range of relationships, unlike _someone._ "

"You just spent money on a lot of people.”

"That or that."

Draco forced a laugh, watching Pansy shrugged. He tilted his pint, but there was not a drop left.

"So why did you bring me here? Anyway, he's gonna be with kid by now--"

"Well, you know everything about him, don't you?"

Damn it. Draco muttered a curse in his mouth. Pancy Parkinson was still _Pancy Parkinson_ , and was unnecessarily faster than anyone he knew. Pancy, who was watching Draco burying his head in his hands, got up from his seat and brought more beer.

"If you stayed at home like that, you'd only drink and sobbed. You'd rather have someone to drink with."

"Yes, _thank you very much."_

Draco just shook his head. He’ll be the one who’ll end up taunted even if they argue there.

"How the hell did he know about this place and become a regular...”

Draco slowly looked around the pub. It has a very different atmosphere from the noisy bar where aurors used to gather on Fridays. Talking around in a quiet tone, normal beer and snacks instead of strong liquor. There was even a small stage on one side, and someone was playing the piano live. Draco imagined Harry sitting on the piano chair in a daze-

"I heard he dated with Muggle, a few years ago."

Draco froze on the spot because of the senseless bomb-throwing Pansy. He almost broke his glass because his hand lost all strength. He managed to put it on the table back and turned to Pancy, dreading.

"Oh, come on, _Malfoy_. That date of his? It was even before Soul Mark showed up. Why are you hiding it when you're going to care about it all the time? I don't understand why you were so scared when you saw the picture in _the Prophet_. At first, I thought it was because you didn't want to be with a boy you've been fighting all along, but actually you’re just like a fool in love. Then you can just go and talk him, right? Or, if you just show him your left wrist, it's going to be the end of the game. Why are you keeping avoiding so much? Honestly, I think I deserve to know at this point. _I've been watching you being an idiot for over five years._ "

"You really don't know?”

Fancy stared at Draco with her eyes telling him to speak with his own mouth. Draco stared at his mean friend.

Why would he say that?

Maybe it was because of the sadness that he felt vividly from Harry earlier today. Or maybe it was because of Harry's attitude to draw the line at him, and the fact that he will no longer be able to be in the same office or on the same mission with Harry. No, maybe it was because the fact that he was drinking alcohol the same with Harry did and listening to the music Harry would have heard, in a same space where Harry spent a lot of time, had already penetrated too deep into Draco's lungs and weakened the mask he was trying to hold on to.

"I will never be honorable in front of my soul mark. Every time I see the dark mark over my soul mark, I'll always think of my cowardice."

He couldn't bear to raise his eyes. However, he just couldn't stop speaking his rotten mind-

"How funny it is, to see the world's savior and the death eater combined? My freedom to walk around, every single part of my breath, everything-it’s all thanks to Harry Potter. I shouldn't call _one-sided salvation_ like this a love. Love means you have to _share_ happiness with each other. But Fancy, _there’s nothing I can give to Harry_."

***

Draco Lucius Malfoy.

In the past, he was the only heir to the Malfoy family and a death eater.

And now, an auror under the department of Magical Law Enforcement.

And... Harry James Potter's soul mate.

Draco managed to balance himself on the cliff created by the wrong choices he had built up one by one, back in his foolish days. With using all his might and all strength to keep his heart remain silence.

When he saw Harry Potter, testifying for him at the trial after the war, he realized that something gone terribly wrong. The green eyes that shine resolutely towards Wizengarmot, the steady expression despite the fatigue of the long wandering during the war, and the dark formal robe with an uncharacteristically heavy atmosphere. And as soon as Draco realized that all those efforts were for him, who was trembling in the cold defendant's seat, a strange flame began to swell in his heart. The fire, which he thought had died a long time ago, began to burn again.

_Draco was completely fucked up._

Now that all those years have passed, he can't believe he was still in love with Harry Potter.

From that moment, Draco Malfoy had to pretend to be calm with all his might.

It was obvious that Harry would fall off the cliff where he was standing with Draco, if anything goes wrong.

Harry's trust gave him the opportunity to work as an auror in the Ministry, not to go to Azkaban, but still, wizarding world considered him as evil. It was clear that the Malfoy family inherited not only the talent to make money but also the talent to buy grudges. Draco quickly admitted that the grudges would be his share of the burden for the rest of his life, but those were things that he had to endure alone. Love was a feeling that should never be revealed in the process.

He had never known before, but now he knew what form love should be.

It was to prevent the danger for dear ones, as Harry Potter did.

It was sharing the weight of suffering by staying together at the most difficult times, as Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger did to Harry Potter.

It was something that never changed, as Severus Snape did.

It was, as Sirius Black did, to return to the side of a dear one even at great risk.

It was giving everything, just like his mother gave it to Harry.

And most of them were far from what Draco Malfoy can do.

There was no place for Draco next to Harry Potter in the first place-nevertheless, his love toward Harry will never change. The day will never come when Harry Potter will be wanting something from Draco Malfoy. It was impossible to distribute his burden to the boy-who-lived, already carrying a lot of burden.

So he chose silence. It couldn't be paid back anyway.

Draco didn't mind when Soul Mark showed up - he didn't want a soul mate if it’s not Harry, and of course it would never happen, but if Harry were his soul mate, it would be a tragedy, Draco thought.

But when has life ever been on Draco's side?

Draco faced the tragedy shortly after staying up all night in the office. The owl had kindly delivered _the Prophet_ to his desk, and when he saw it with tiring eyes, he almost blew up the desk, failed to control his magic - fortunately, the explosion only tear down the paper into pieces. A photo showing soul mark of Harry, exactly the same as his, was clearly shown on the front page. He flung up his left-hand shirt sleeves, fling the paper roughly. Underneath the dark mark that reveals its hideous tongue, there was the soul mark _-a wand with sparkling flames and a golden snitch hovering around it._

It was so obvious that Draco wondered why he didn't notice it earlier. How many years has it been since he and Harry competed frantically in Quidditch, chasing snitch as a seeker? Also, Draco's wand willingly obeyed Harry Potter, and the elder wand that Draco unconsciously acquired loyalty, was naturally loyal to Harry Potter, of course. For a very short moment, Draco thought the whole world looked rosy.

Damn, why does the soul mark appear on the left wrist? He returned to reality, recognizing the dark mark. Draco did not even have a second look at the Prophet, but _evanesco_ it. Even daydreaming was too good for him. Draco, who had already been enjoying too much luck being Harry's partner, did not want to break off the only thread of the relationship he had managed to build, just because of this uncertainty.

But...

Now that he's been partnered with Harry Potter for two years, he doesn't hear the curse or the harsh words everywhere he goes anymore-thanks to Harry. However, if he could be a partner with Harry again, he wouldn't mind a bit going through all kinds of threats again.

***

Harry was staring blankly out of the window, adrifting on something that he himself cannot define clearly.

"......so, as soon as Harry swung his wand, the house became shiny everywhere! The wallpaper has changed, the floor is glossy, and the original smelly sofa has been replaced with a new, soft, clean one!"

" _Bloody hell_ , you've been living in that shitty place while you can fix everything? Harry James Potter, how can you hide such a thing- Harry?

"Harry, _Harry!_ "

"Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry. What?"

Harry looked at Teddy, Hermione, and Ron with a sorry face. Harry smiled at Teddy, as avoiding Hermione's eyes, which had quickly narrowed, observing him. Fortunately, Teddy was completely absorbed in the new Weasley’s Wizard Wheeze in his hand.

" _Harry James Potter, did you really succeed in repairing 12 Grimmauld Place?_ "

"Oh, well, that just happened. Besides, we’ve already cleaned up all the dangerous and creepy stuff years ago. It wasn't that difficult."

"Do you really think that It's not hard to get rid of all those grim, magical remnants of the generations with just one flick of wand? Really, I heard from Ron about the huge flame you conjured, but personally, this, is even more impressive, Harry. In the case of fire, that is possible with enough magical energy, but delicate control would have been crucial for this magic. So you've proven that your power and control are already close to perfection. _Yet you've been injured almost every time you’ve been on a case, and often been hospitalized at St. Mungo’s._ "

Harry swallowed and avoided Hermione's glaring gaze. This time, however, not even Ron sided with Harry.

"Harry, mate, really, you were like...seemed like just going to die.”

"Ron, don't be ridiculous."

Harry shook his head and cut off Ron.

"How can I think of dying _when Teddy still needs me?_ ”

Hermione and Ron looked at Harry’s back, holding Teddy up and heading to the garden.

"Hermione, if it wasn't for your Patronus that day, Harry would have..."

"I think I should look for Harry's soul mate.”

" _Bloody hell_ , Hermione.”

"Harry seemed to be getting better before. He didn't listen to me when I told him to see mind healer, but...But it wasn't that bad a year ago. When Soul Mark showed up, Harry was looking forward to meet his soulmate.”

"That's...that's right. Harry's never really met anyone...he broke up with Jinny that soon."

"So it's reasonable to think that there was something wrong with Soulmate.”

"But how the hell are you gonna find him? You can't just walk around and ask anybody to show their soulmark.”

Hermione leaned on Ron and explained in a trembling voice.

"I'm not an auror myself, but I know aurors’ situation well because I have two auror friends. The past year has been the busiest year for all of aurors. Harry didn't have time to meet his soul mate in a place we didn't know. Then we can narrow down the candidates enough. Auror office, St. Mungo hospital, or Burrow. He wouldn't have been connected to someone he did not know at all. _The magic of soul mark is meant to be created between the two wizards after all._ "

**Author's Note:**

> for someone wondering for Harry's pick for lullaby-  
> this is 'how long will I love you', sang by Jon Boden.  
> https://youtu.be/qhanxrVLepQ


End file.
